It's taken me almost 6 months to put pen to paper and get this post done. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the time to write it earlier, I could have found the time. What I didn't have was the motivation, the inspiration or the desire to share any longer. I created a cocoon, sort of, which is where i've been hiding my emotions, fears, stresses and even all the good - my ideas, creativity and enthusiasm. It's been on hold from the rest of the world and now I want to start giving again. I want to share what i've got and I think i'm finally in the right head space to do so.
I've been on a short, but long journey over the last few months, coming to terms with the discovery of a new child (my child) who will soon be making its way into this wide world of ours. The thought alone of managing a newborn, on top of a toddler was enough to send me straight into a panic. The anxiety, in a way, caused me to freeze up and discontinue what I had been working towards. It made me second-guess and re-consider everything that I was doing. Was it worth it? Was it possible? Was ANYTHING possible now that i'd be committed to raising not one, but two children? Obviously, the answer is yes. Of course it is possible, everything is possible but at the time, I let the stress get the better of me. I let it tell me that this was not going to be okay, that my sanity and my freedom would no longer exist and that my hopes and dreams could basically be written off. I was wrong, I know that now but it was the way I felt and it's what I went through, in my mind, over the months leading up to now.
I think the major turning point for me was during my 20-week scan. It was in those few hours, seeing moving 3D images of my baby on a screen that I was able to see the light. For the first time I felt true love rather than angst and uncertainty towards my unborn child. It was then and there that I realised this was not a bad thing at all. This was a good thing, a really, really beautiful thing. I was not only going to have one, but two of what I love most in this world...my son. How could that ever be a bad thing?
As this pregnancy has progressed, it's become more and more clear that this isn't about me. It's about them. It's about my children and their need to be nurtured. It's not about my most desired career path and lack of freedom. Yes, these are things I might miss out on and may have to sacrifice, but those losses are nothing compared to what the kids will gain from my choice to be a loving, dedicated and nurturing mother. My focus is now on my children, both of them and everything else needs no other place than to be on the outskirts. It was all very confusing until I allowed my intuition to tell me what was most important. As soon as that was clear I could push aside, quite easily, all the things that trailed behind.
Everything with great importance to you should always, always take precedence. That's what i've learned over the last few months and I wanted to share it with anyone who's struggling internally, as I was, to piece together the various aspects of their life. All the parts to the puzzle do fit, I promise, you just have to know where to put them.
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